Dr. Milton Greenblatt wrote in the 1970′s:

First we are children to our parents,
then parents to our children,
then parents to our parents,
then children to our children.

It’s not a difficult stretch for me to understand that in this era of speedy communications and speedy living that Boomers would, as most humans likely do, wish for a speedy death (when the time comes). Unfortunately for us, life simply isn’t like that all of the time.

From my perspective, it makes sense that Boomers would fear 1) outliving their money and 2) becoming a burden on their impatient Millennial children. It would scare the shit out of me if I thought the person caring for me, should I become enfeebled, was impatient in any way. Caring for someone, at it’s core, requires loving patience, something I don’t see in many of my cohorts currently. I am just as guilty of this. I want what I want and I want it now.

I have been exceptionally lucky in the past few months to have hospital experiences, with my Boomer mom and mother in law both discharged with a clean bill of health in the end, and I gained great insight on the topic. Both of these experiences have been vastly different and have given me some interesting perspective on what to do (and what not to do) when dealing with Millennials when it comes to death, or the potential passing, of a Boomer parent.

1) DON’T HIDE YOUR HEALTH INFORMATION FROM US!!! Be honest and straight forward. We are used to having the internet and it’s expansive world of knowledge at our finger tips. If you aren’t up front and honest with us about what’s going on, we’ll get our information elsewhere and wind up resenting you for, in essence, lying through omission. We feel entitled to this information. You’re our everything, please remember that.

2) Know when to tell us to get OFF the freakin’ medical websites. That same wealth of information we’re used to can actually be detrimental and over-stress a Millennial. #2 is irrellivant if you’re following my advice on #1.

3) Make sure you have things like internet passwords and key codes documented and stored safely, just in case. If your child is still dependent on you, financially or otherwise, this one is especially important. They will need access to YOUR online networks for support if/when things turn sour. I don’t have the addresses of more than half of my extended family but know that via my parent’s profiles online, I can get to them. If you lock us out, how will we be able to alert your friends and extended family that something has happened? The same goes for financial institution logins. If your child doesn’t have this info (if you don’t have a spouse), it’ll make things a lot harder for everyone.

4) Understand that if we’re on our phones a lot, it’s because we’re tapping our support network online, it’s not because we’re pulling away. Many Millennials have friends online who live potentially oceans away that they consider to be support in hard times, even if they’ve never met in person. The power of emotional support from a tight-knit online community is unparalleled.

5) Tell us we are going to be ok, even if you’re not. I personally believe Millennials, because of the delay of adulthood, are closer to their parents than many generations before (note I did NOT say that they love their parents more, simply that they’re closer.) Sometimes a child just needs to hear that they’ll be ok and it’ll mean a lot coming from the person(s) we derive a lot of our hope and optimism from.

End of life topics are always difficult and it’s true that there’s no solid answer that will make anyone feel better when they’re in such a tough situation. I even struggled with writing this post quite a bit because to even type the words just tears me up inside. I do hope this is helpful for someone besides me somewhere…

It’s going to be OK.

update: James of http://www.tomasinoblog.com made this fantastic point in the comments that really needs to be included on this post. Thanks James!

When it comes down to the end, to those difficult final days, it’s not our strength or our social networks that our loved ones need. It’s our presence, full and complete. That means for a lot of us we need to go to a place that’s not comfortable, not supported, downright vulnerable in order to be there for others. Sometimes we need to be unplugged.

As scary as it is for us, and despite what conversations we might be able to have with our seniors, what they see is our faces looking at a little box, not at them. There are so many places and opportunities for education about who we are and why we do what we do, but sometimes it’s way more important to give over, give that self-giving love that says, “you are more important.” That’s the power you feel holding a hand or praying with someone as they pass on. That’s the love.